I Miss You

If you don't want to read this, don't.

     Lately I have been reminiscing on past memories and they really have been making me sad. I miss the long night phone calls when we would play truth or dare until 5 in the morning. I miss being too scared or shy to ask a question so I would just text it to you and you would always tell me I would, "Have to get over it". I miss the car rides jamming to your music and holding your hand as you drove.  I was secretly always scared you were going to kill us. I looked forward to switching roles and me being the driver so much. I miss the nights we would go outside and look at the stars. Every time I see the stars out and it is a beautiful, clear night I think of that night at the park. You told me stories about the stars and about astronauts and why the sky is the way it is. I miss how close we were. I could tell you anything and knew that you still loved me. I miss going to your church and seeing you play guitar. I always loved the days I got to see you 'show off' on electric. I miss how loved you made me feel. When I was having a really rough day or rough night you would call me and make everything better. I miss listening to you play guitar and singing to me to make me feel happy again. Nothing meant more to me in those moments than how much you loved me. I miss going to dinner with you and your friends. I miss watching movies with you and cuddling on the couch. 

 
           But things weren't always wonderful.

     I don't miss the fighting. I feel like every argument we ever had was my fault. It was either about something that I didn't like that you did or about something I did wrong. I don't miss feeling lonely. The loneliest feeling is being with someone, but still feeling like you don't exist to them. I don't miss the complicated title of what we were. I don't miss the smell of smoke and wondering if you were going to get caught for smoking or drinking. I don't miss being scared of what you were going to do when you got drunk. I don't miss being compared to your sister. Yes, I like the things she likes and the clothes she wears, but I wasn't trying to be her. I don't miss feeling left out in things.

     The message at church this past Sunday was about what God wants for us and how we know what it is that he wants for us. The person giving the message did an amazing job at explaining everything. He made one statement though that really stuck with me.

"Don't make someone a priority when they only view you as an option."

Most of the time that we spent together I just felt like a second choice. No matter what I always tried to put you first. It didn't matter to me what was going on. I always made sure to tell you "Good morning" and "Good night" and if I did not, I felt horrible and told you as soon as I remembered. I told you "I love you" any time I felt it necessary, which was quite often. Very rarely would I get a "Good morning" or a "Good night" or an "I love you" if I didn't say it first. And even when I did tell you that I loved you I would just get a "Love you" in return. I didn't feel like the feeling was mutual. You always claimed it was that you just weren't a touchy person, but a year prior you were, at least towards me. So I'm not really sure what happened, but I wish it never happened. You know the things that I did not like, but didn't even bother to consider me in the actions. I had so many boundaries that I continued to push to try and make things work between us. I even allowed you to smoke in front of me in hopes that it would solve some sort of problem.

     There were so many things about the relationship that I miss so deeply and wish I could have back, but there are a lot of things that I never want to have to go through again. I still love you. You are the first person I have ever truly loved. That will never change. Now I just have to figure out what to do with all of the mixed emotions I feel. I want to be friends again, but I don't know how to be friends with you. The whole situation is just difficult and I wish it wasn't. I miss you.