Miracle Man

     So there is this man that I know and that I look up to very much. This man is my school's choir teacher, Samuel Miller. About a year and a half ago this man had a massive heart attack. He was only 33 at the time and one of the healthiest people I have ever known. Miller died 6 times on October 15, 2014. Each time the paramedics and the doctors were able to bring him back to life. Although they were able to resuscitate him, the doctors told his wife to be preparing themselves for his death and that if by some miracle he did come out of his coma, he would be nothing more than a vegetable. Miller was not expected to survive, but God had a different plan for him than the doctors thought.
     Since then, Miller has made a complete 360 degree turn and has been back at work for over a year now. Miller has always been a religious man, but until this trial in his life his faith was not as strong as it could have been. Since he has come back I have wanted to sit down with him and have a serious Jesus talk and hear about his experience and his faith. Samuel Miller is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met in my life. He has made a bigger impact on my life than anybody that is not my family. He has grown me as a musician and inspired me to do so much.
   
     Recently I have started to read my Bible on a daily basis and God has been showing me so many wonderful things that I have enjoyed so much. Each day I have had a positive attitude and been able to get through the day without wanting to murder somebody (just kidding). Today I had the wonderful opportunity to sit down with Miller and listen to his testimony.
     I walked into choir today and walked over to the piano to go say hey to Miller like my normal routine. As I walked over to me he motioned me to come closer to him and he asked me to go check on a girl sitting on the risers. Lydia was sitting on the middle riser and you could tell that she had been crying and was obviously not okay (I just want to say that God works miracles in miraculous and insane ways). So I walk over to Lydia and sit down beside her and ask if she is okay. She, of course, says no and begins to cry again, so I ask her if she wants to go behind the wall so people aren't looking at us and she agrees. As we walked over to the corner Miller asked if I needed him and I reluctantly said yes. Once we all got to the corner and sat down, Miller asked what was wrong and Lydia began to cry harder explaining how she feels as if her life is falling apart and how she is questioning her faith and it is just getting harder and harder to get out of bed each day. She began to talk about her personal life and everything that is going on and then Miller began to speak.
     The three of us sat there behind the wall for at least an hour, mainly Miller telling his experience and Lydia and myself listening. Samuel Miller is a miracle man. He told us how before his heart attack he asked God to test him. "God if you want me, give me a trial. Test my faith." And so God gave him a heart attack. Miller's faith is stronger now than he ever imagined and his story is incredible.
     God is funny in the way he shows you things. Lately I have bee questioning a lot of things because I have just started reading the Bible and I have just been curious about how it all works. Today God answered me. Not in the way that I expected, but God is funny like that.
     Today was a wonderful day.


LOVE

"But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me." - Psalms 13:5

ACCEPTANCE

"And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him." - Colossians 2:6

WORTH

"Above all, you must live as citizens of heaven, conducting yourselves in a manner worthy of the Good News of Christ." - Philippians 1:27

SECURITY

"The Lord gives his people strength. He is a safe fortress for his anointed king." - Psalms 28:8

I Miss You

If you don't want to read this, don't.

     Lately I have been reminiscing on past memories and they really have been making me sad. I miss the long night phone calls when we would play truth or dare until 5 in the morning. I miss being too scared or shy to ask a question so I would just text it to you and you would always tell me I would, "Have to get over it". I miss the car rides jamming to your music and holding your hand as you drove.  I was secretly always scared you were going to kill us. I looked forward to switching roles and me being the driver so much. I miss the nights we would go outside and look at the stars. Every time I see the stars out and it is a beautiful, clear night I think of that night at the park. You told me stories about the stars and about astronauts and why the sky is the way it is. I miss how close we were. I could tell you anything and knew that you still loved me. I miss going to your church and seeing you play guitar. I always loved the days I got to see you 'show off' on electric. I miss how loved you made me feel. When I was having a really rough day or rough night you would call me and make everything better. I miss listening to you play guitar and singing to me to make me feel happy again. Nothing meant more to me in those moments than how much you loved me. I miss going to dinner with you and your friends. I miss watching movies with you and cuddling on the couch. 

 
           But things weren't always wonderful.

     I don't miss the fighting. I feel like every argument we ever had was my fault. It was either about something that I didn't like that you did or about something I did wrong. I don't miss feeling lonely. The loneliest feeling is being with someone, but still feeling like you don't exist to them. I don't miss the complicated title of what we were. I don't miss the smell of smoke and wondering if you were going to get caught for smoking or drinking. I don't miss being scared of what you were going to do when you got drunk. I don't miss being compared to your sister. Yes, I like the things she likes and the clothes she wears, but I wasn't trying to be her. I don't miss feeling left out in things.

     The message at church this past Sunday was about what God wants for us and how we know what it is that he wants for us. The person giving the message did an amazing job at explaining everything. He made one statement though that really stuck with me.

"Don't make someone a priority when they only view you as an option."

Most of the time that we spent together I just felt like a second choice. No matter what I always tried to put you first. It didn't matter to me what was going on. I always made sure to tell you "Good morning" and "Good night" and if I did not, I felt horrible and told you as soon as I remembered. I told you "I love you" any time I felt it necessary, which was quite often. Very rarely would I get a "Good morning" or a "Good night" or an "I love you" if I didn't say it first. And even when I did tell you that I loved you I would just get a "Love you" in return. I didn't feel like the feeling was mutual. You always claimed it was that you just weren't a touchy person, but a year prior you were, at least towards me. So I'm not really sure what happened, but I wish it never happened. You know the things that I did not like, but didn't even bother to consider me in the actions. I had so many boundaries that I continued to push to try and make things work between us. I even allowed you to smoke in front of me in hopes that it would solve some sort of problem.

     There were so many things about the relationship that I miss so deeply and wish I could have back, but there are a lot of things that I never want to have to go through again. I still love you. You are the first person I have ever truly loved. That will never change. Now I just have to figure out what to do with all of the mixed emotions I feel. I want to be friends again, but I don't know how to be friends with you. The whole situation is just difficult and I wish it wasn't. I miss you.

Make A Difference

     One day we will all be gone. One day the things that we do today will not matter. One day our name will be unknown to everyone. The life we live now will not be known to anyone on the face of the earth in years to come. Everyone on the earth will make an affect on someone somehow. However, the difference that you make is not what is important. What really matters in the long run is what type of difference you make.
     I actually heard this quote a few years ago at a funeral. I didn't know the man very well, but I knew of him. He was my ex-boyfriend's father, Shane. Shane was a depressed and divorced alcoholic that lived with his parents and did not pay child support. Depending on the person you talk to, you will get a different description of his personality. If you ask his children, Shane was a wonderful man and worked hard to please them. If you ask his ex-wife, Shane was a man that no longer is who he was 20 years ago; this man drinks, does not have a job, and does not care about his kids. If you ask his parents, Shane was a wonderful child that got lost in his adult years. If you ask me, Shane was a depressed man that put bad thoughts and ideas into my ex-boyfriend's mind.
     When Shane's son and myself were dating, Shane was going through a lot of mental issues and always passed out in the garage because he didn't want to go inside. His son was depressed, like his father, and resulted to self harm. What do you do when the man that you are supposed to look up to doesn't give you an example of what you should be? If you don't know any better you will follow in his footsteps.
     His son, now, has drank every weekend since his father died, sleeps with numerous different girls, and smokes constantly. It doesn't matter if you make a difference in someone's life if it is not a good difference.
     On the other side of the spectrum, there are people that have passed through this world that have made an enormous difference. Martin Luther King Jr., Jesus, Gandhi, and many more people. You hear of these people all of the time and you wonder, how could one person make such a lasting impact on the world?
     My life goal, the one thing I want to do before I die, is make a lasting positive difference in someone's life. I don't mind if I don't make some wonderful change in the world. As long as I impact one person's life, then I will die happy.
     If the difference you make does not affect one person, or even the world if you are lucky, in a positive way, is it really worth it?

Worth

     Sometimes, well a lot of the time really, I feel like I am not worthy enough to live the life that I do. I feel like I am not worthy enough to be my youth's worship leader. I feel like I am not worthy enough to be in the top 20 of my class. I feel like I am not worthy enough to have the amazing friends that I do have. I feel like I am not worthy to being a group leader, a role model, for girls under me. I feel like I am not worthy enough to be called a Christian. I feel like I am not worthy enough to to be called their daughter, his sister, God's child. I constantly feel unworthy. No matter what I do the feeling never goes away.

               "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." — Matthew 22:39

     But what if I don't love myself? What if I hate myself, then am I supposed to hate my neighbor as well? How is it possible to love someone if you do not love yourself? My life consists of constant doubt of whether or not I am worth living. I would never take my life, but I don't know if I would be afraid of dying either. I know that God loves me and I know, for the most part, that my family loves me. But do my friends actually care about me? Does my church family actually care about me? If I were to disappear off of the face of the earth, who all would care?

     I want to be able to live my life loving myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not hate the image I see. I want to be able to see my friends and know that they care. I want to know that I am worthy of the life that I have been given. I don't know if I will ever be okay with the person that I am, or if I will have self-worth, but I will try. 

Feelings Are Temporary

     Feelings change. That is why they are called feelings because it is what you feel in that moment. Lately I've been really confused about how I feel towards certain people. All of the people I am confused about I have been friends with for a very long time. So I'm not really sure what to do about the situation.

     Person Number One I just recently broke up with about a month ago. Some days I am really happy that things ended. They could have ended better, but in the long run I know it is what God intended to happen. As much as I loved the relationship and I love/loved the person, it was not a healthy relationship. I constantly felt like I was not enough and like I needed to change in order for the relationship to work. We had a lot of things in common, but a lot of our morals did not match, which made a lot of things difficult. Other days I'm really upset that things ended. Although things weren't always good, when they were it was amazing. There was one day we spent all day together. We went to Starbucks, to Walmart and played with toys and skateboards. We went to the park and played on the playground and carved our initials in a tree like we were in a cute Nicholas Sparks movie. That day was so special and so much fun, but all good things come to an end. He's graduating and going off to college and our lives just don't match up anymore. A few days ago I stopped at the park to go see our initials. I knew exactly which tree it was and remembered exactly what it said. I wish I could tell you I pulled up and he was standing at the tree with flowers in hand, apologizing for the way things ended and everything worked out and we are happy again, but it didn't happen that way. I have no idea what made me stop at the park to go see the tree. I knew seeing it would tear me apart, which it did. I just wanted to see it, wanted to relive the happiness of that day.

     Person Number Two is a really close friend of mine. I have slowly started to have feelings for him since Person Number One and myself broke up. The only problem is: he likes my best friend. The only aggravating part about that is: she likes girls. He knows that she likes girls, but still feels like he has a chance with her. So I don't really know what to do. We talked and flirted for a few days and everything was really good. It was honestly the happiest I had been since that Nicholas Sparks day with Person Number One. Everything was looking really good and I really thought something good was going to come out of all of this. But then... he called things off. Apologizing, he said that he just couldn't do it. He thought he was over my friend or that he could get over her, but that he just couldn't do it. So things are kind of awkward between us now because we both know that we like each other, but we can't do anything about it. We still talk all the time, I just don't know what to say anymore.

     Person Number Three is also one of my exes. I dated this male before I dated Person Number One. Our relationship was really great. The only problem was his mother. She disliked me very much, I'm still not really sure why. I tried so hard to make her like me. I bought them gifts and invited them to dinner. I hugged her and complimented her every chance I got. My mother thinks she disliked me because of another female. You see, Person Number Three dated a girl before me that I will refer to by Jillian, that's not her name. Jillian is the daughter of Person Number Three's mother's best friend. My mother believes that she disliked me so greatly because she had this beautiful fantasy of her son and her best friend's daughter living happily ever after. Jillian decided to text me today and express how apologetic she is for everything that happened. It is really weird though because I haven't talked to her in about a year. There's just a lot of confusion on how I should handle things. Talking to Person Number Three is still really awkward because we are pretty much coworkers so it makes things awkward.

     Feelings will constantly change, Right now I am feeling really tired, but when I wake up in the morning I won't be, hopefully. However, love does not change. If you love a person, if you truly love a person, that will never go away. You can love someone without liking them. These three people I have a different feeling for each of them. I don't really know what to do about any of the situations, but I do know that God's got this. God's got me, He's got my back. My feelings are going to keep changing and I am probably going to stay confused, but I can get through this.

Introduction

     I have always wanted to make a blog, I just never knew what to write about. I still really don't have any idea, but summer is fast approaching so I figured, why not?
     School is almost over and I could never be more happy. This year has been so long. I have lost many friendships, but I gained quite a bit as well. Over this past year, God has tested me in many ways. I have gone through many situations I never thought I would have to face and didn't know how to handle. I tried my best, failing mostly, but I tried. School has definitely been a challenge to keep my grades up, especially with finals week approaching. I honestly might fail a few of them, but oh well. I tried.
     So here's to creating blogs and finishing up this school year with a positive attitude.